Thursday, September 30, 2010

Get Ready Folks!!!

The space shuttle program director commanded in a stern voice - "Prepare the launch sequence". The computer started ticking. The million segment LED powered screen started to blip. The countdown began. Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Zero. The 363 feet tall and 6,699,000 pounds heavy Saturn V rocket, the powerful rocket ever known to man, which was decommissioned on December 6 1972, thrusted skywards from Kennedy Space Center, Florida precisely at 5:37 AM on September 30, 2007. In the last 35 years, there were millions of cries and hordes of lobbies to recommission the Saturn V rocket for various reasons ranging from search for extra terrestrial to accurately predicting and mapping the impact of global climatic change. Hundreds of meetings, hitherto unknown to world citizens, were convened surreptitiously by various world leaders to debate the possibility of recommissioning Saturn V. But, all were in vain. As it is said in mythology, good things cannot be kept hidden for ever. Now it is time for Saturn V to make one final attempt to unearth mankind's greatest mystery. Saturn V started it's 3 year long journey into space. Over the course of next 3 years, the on board computer, powered by 100000000000 Zeta Flops Ultra Zap-Zack processor, will perform googols of calculations to arrive at one great finding - "What in the world causes millions of people to go crazy over Rajnikanth and his films." :)

Superstar or Thailava, as he his fondly called by his fans, defies logic. His movies appear crass to many people. His spoken Tamil is pathetic and his spoken English tickles bones even during one's gravest of times. His theatrical skills are a parody. He is 61 years old but still performs romantic scenes with heroines who are the age of his daughters. Many people find this ultra ugly and may be, rightly so. He talks rubbish during political election period. He gets lost in the remote wilderness of Himalayas in the name of tapas. He walks barefoot in his house. He sports an ordinary cotton attire for the greatest of the greatest extravaganzas. Last, but not the least, he is bald.

Ideally,Logically,Basically, Normally (and think of all the other llys that you could) this guy should not have even survived a year in the film industry. But, today, he is the thespian of the Indian Film Industry. He commands the highest pay in Asia, only next to Jackie Chan. His snap of the finger can change the government. The richest and the most powerful visit him, quite frequently. Amitabh Bachchan calls him 'A Legend'.Mukesh Ambani rubs shoulders with him. Honorable Indian Home Minister Mr.P.Chidambaram arrives late for work, because he was busy catching the trailor of Rajni's latest blockbuster - 'Endhiran'. Millions of fans go wild during his film release. Thousands of 'em bunk work to catch a glimpse of him during the first day of his movie release.

In an effort to understand this madness, many reporters,over the past 3 years, have questioned his fans - "What makes Rajnikanth a Rajnikanth?". Interestingly, following were some of the responses.

"Ummmmm......Uhhh...He is great", says a 20 year old IIT Chennai grad student
"Ooooooooooooooooooh, Rajneeeeekaaaaaaaaaaanth", exclaims a 22 year old female
"I like Rajni uncle. yay!", says merrily a 10 year old kid
"Avar enga thalaivarunga!", stomps feet and exclaims uncouthly a 35 year old Senior Manager of a MNC
"Because, he is Rajnikanth, Yeah!", says a 59 year old Doctor
"Therila, but enakku Rajnikanth'a romba pudikkum. Rajni padam pakkum bodhu, naan ennoda husband'uku sappadu podardha kooda marandhuduven", giggles a 52 year old Home Maker
"I have no clue. Am not just fan, but am a fanatic!", says a 27 year old Consultant

Of the sampling, about 80% of the responses were like that of above - without any logical cognizance, 18% pointed his charisma, style and mannerisms, and the rest 2% said "Well, who knows. May be he is charlatan or a thug. Uff!!".

But today, the wait is over. The Saturn V is returning back to earth. The Googols and Googols of data that it has unearthed in space will help in unraveling the greatest mystery ever known to mankind, next only to the Jesus's divinity. It is only fitting that it has to coincide with the release of Rajni's yet another blockbuster - "Endhiran", the costliest movie ever made in India. World news channels are telecasting the finding live. Mr. President, feeds the data into the computer. World over, hundreds of scientists wait in eager anticipation for the answer. Millions of Rajni's fans party happily on the streets. The display screen starts flickering. Random alphabets start streaming on the screen - C,D,A,E,N,N,N,I,M,O,R,T,E,B,E,E,D,T. Gush of silence ran through the air.

Yes. It's an anagram. Mr. President dials a number with the area code 617. Oh yes. It's Boston-Cambridge area. The phone rings. A 45 year old Harvard Professor of symbology, Robert Langdon, answers the call - "Robert here". The president exclaims "Prof. Robert, We have a supersonic Mach 100 Jet waiting for you in Harvard Yard. It will transport you to Kennedy Space Center in 5 minutes. We need you. It's a matter of grave urgency". Prof. Robert shrugs and says "Not again. These Illuminatists. Gosh!". Ten minutes later, Robert finds himself staring at the anagram on the super powered LED display. Suddenly a spark flashes in his mind. He exclaims - "It can't be this.It can't be this", unaware of the fact that it is being broadcast live all over the world. Seeing Prof.Robert's exclamation, the honorable Prime Minister of India, Mr. Manmohan Singh questions - "Prof. Robert. Have you solved the anagram? We are eagerly waiting for the answer." The professor responds "Yes, I have.In a moment, the answer will appear in the screen".

Exactly 23 seconds later, the anagram magically rearranged itself to form a coherent phrase. Americans fainted. Brits bitched. Arabs fired guns into the sky. Chinese shrugged and went back to do what they know the best - increase the population. Rajni fans smirked and said to themselves "We knew this long before. You guys should have listened to us". The screen flashed - "cannot be determined".