Thursday, September 30, 2010

Get Ready Folks!!!

The space shuttle program director commanded in a stern voice - "Prepare the launch sequence". The computer started ticking. The million segment LED powered screen started to blip. The countdown began. Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Zero. The 363 feet tall and 6,699,000 pounds heavy Saturn V rocket, the powerful rocket ever known to man, which was decommissioned on December 6 1972, thrusted skywards from Kennedy Space Center, Florida precisely at 5:37 AM on September 30, 2007. In the last 35 years, there were millions of cries and hordes of lobbies to recommission the Saturn V rocket for various reasons ranging from search for extra terrestrial to accurately predicting and mapping the impact of global climatic change. Hundreds of meetings, hitherto unknown to world citizens, were convened surreptitiously by various world leaders to debate the possibility of recommissioning Saturn V. But, all were in vain. As it is said in mythology, good things cannot be kept hidden for ever. Now it is time for Saturn V to make one final attempt to unearth mankind's greatest mystery. Saturn V started it's 3 year long journey into space. Over the course of next 3 years, the on board computer, powered by 100000000000 Zeta Flops Ultra Zap-Zack processor, will perform googols of calculations to arrive at one great finding - "What in the world causes millions of people to go crazy over Rajnikanth and his films." :)

Superstar or Thailava, as he his fondly called by his fans, defies logic. His movies appear crass to many people. His spoken Tamil is pathetic and his spoken English tickles bones even during one's gravest of times. His theatrical skills are a parody. He is 61 years old but still performs romantic scenes with heroines who are the age of his daughters. Many people find this ultra ugly and may be, rightly so. He talks rubbish during political election period. He gets lost in the remote wilderness of Himalayas in the name of tapas. He walks barefoot in his house. He sports an ordinary cotton attire for the greatest of the greatest extravaganzas. Last, but not the least, he is bald.

Ideally,Logically,Basically, Normally (and think of all the other llys that you could) this guy should not have even survived a year in the film industry. But, today, he is the thespian of the Indian Film Industry. He commands the highest pay in Asia, only next to Jackie Chan. His snap of the finger can change the government. The richest and the most powerful visit him, quite frequently. Amitabh Bachchan calls him 'A Legend'.Mukesh Ambani rubs shoulders with him. Honorable Indian Home Minister Mr.P.Chidambaram arrives late for work, because he was busy catching the trailor of Rajni's latest blockbuster - 'Endhiran'. Millions of fans go wild during his film release. Thousands of 'em bunk work to catch a glimpse of him during the first day of his movie release.

In an effort to understand this madness, many reporters,over the past 3 years, have questioned his fans - "What makes Rajnikanth a Rajnikanth?". Interestingly, following were some of the responses.

"Ummmmm......Uhhh...He is great", says a 20 year old IIT Chennai grad student
"Ooooooooooooooooooh, Rajneeeeekaaaaaaaaaaanth", exclaims a 22 year old female
"I like Rajni uncle. yay!", says merrily a 10 year old kid
"Avar enga thalaivarunga!", stomps feet and exclaims uncouthly a 35 year old Senior Manager of a MNC
"Because, he is Rajnikanth, Yeah!", says a 59 year old Doctor
"Therila, but enakku Rajnikanth'a romba pudikkum. Rajni padam pakkum bodhu, naan ennoda husband'uku sappadu podardha kooda marandhuduven", giggles a 52 year old Home Maker
"I have no clue. Am not just fan, but am a fanatic!", says a 27 year old Consultant

Of the sampling, about 80% of the responses were like that of above - without any logical cognizance, 18% pointed his charisma, style and mannerisms, and the rest 2% said "Well, who knows. May be he is charlatan or a thug. Uff!!".

But today, the wait is over. The Saturn V is returning back to earth. The Googols and Googols of data that it has unearthed in space will help in unraveling the greatest mystery ever known to mankind, next only to the Jesus's divinity. It is only fitting that it has to coincide with the release of Rajni's yet another blockbuster - "Endhiran", the costliest movie ever made in India. World news channels are telecasting the finding live. Mr. President, feeds the data into the computer. World over, hundreds of scientists wait in eager anticipation for the answer. Millions of Rajni's fans party happily on the streets. The display screen starts flickering. Random alphabets start streaming on the screen - C,D,A,E,N,N,N,I,M,O,R,T,E,B,E,E,D,T. Gush of silence ran through the air.

Yes. It's an anagram. Mr. President dials a number with the area code 617. Oh yes. It's Boston-Cambridge area. The phone rings. A 45 year old Harvard Professor of symbology, Robert Langdon, answers the call - "Robert here". The president exclaims "Prof. Robert, We have a supersonic Mach 100 Jet waiting for you in Harvard Yard. It will transport you to Kennedy Space Center in 5 minutes. We need you. It's a matter of grave urgency". Prof. Robert shrugs and says "Not again. These Illuminatists. Gosh!". Ten minutes later, Robert finds himself staring at the anagram on the super powered LED display. Suddenly a spark flashes in his mind. He exclaims - "It can't be this.It can't be this", unaware of the fact that it is being broadcast live all over the world. Seeing Prof.Robert's exclamation, the honorable Prime Minister of India, Mr. Manmohan Singh questions - "Prof. Robert. Have you solved the anagram? We are eagerly waiting for the answer." The professor responds "Yes, I have.In a moment, the answer will appear in the screen".

Exactly 23 seconds later, the anagram magically rearranged itself to form a coherent phrase. Americans fainted. Brits bitched. Arabs fired guns into the sky. Chinese shrugged and went back to do what they know the best - increase the population. Rajni fans smirked and said to themselves "We knew this long before. You guys should have listened to us". The screen flashed - "cannot be determined".

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I want those days back!!!

• I want those days back when I sipped milk from the pink tumbler, oblivious to the hustle-bustle of the world, in the cozy comfort of mom's lap. (Alrite folks, this happened when I was 1 year old. Don't associate anything with respect to color - pink)

• I want those days back when dad bought me two balloons - every single day, mornings and evenings.

• I want those days back when I had my first lessons of Vishnu Sahasranaamam that dad taught me in his Lambretta scooter, on our way back home from the sunday outing.

• I want those days back when me and mom used to enact the 'I am a Complan Boy and I am a Complan Mummy' ad.

• I want those days back when I used to savor the Special Plain Dosai in Saravana Bhavan, TNagar and Bhel Puri in Canopy, Mylapore.

• I want those days back when I used to stand next to my dad in eagerness as I saw him fixing the pendulum styled clock.

• I want those days back when I used to get the stomach pain, only on Monday Mornings, so that I can't go to school.

• I want those days back when mom gave me a severe nimindambazham and cried the whole afternoon - 'achichooooo kozhandhaya killittene'.

• I want those days back when I used to watch Mahabharata in the anticipation that Arjuna will fight in every single episode.

• I want those days back when I really hated Lord Krishna as he went on narrating Geetha Upadesam, rather than allowing the fight between Pandavas and Kauravas to begin.(The wait was for ten 1 hour episodes or so. Folks, that's how long the geetha upadesam is)

• I want those days back when I used to go to Sai Baba slogam class, not to learn slogams, but to eat the kalkandu and to chime the jaalra.

• I want those days back when I used to go to the carnatic music class, not to learn music, but to make fun of the teacher - (Late)Shree Needamangalam Shaastrigal.

• I want those days back when I used to wake up early on sunday mornings to watch Didi's comedy show, Mogli and his friends in Jungle Book and Mickey and Donald Duck Cartoon shows in a hazy and streaky 'Hometech' color TV.

• I want those days back when mom shouted at me 'Pradeeeeeeeeep, vilayadinadhu porum.....ulla vara poriya illayaaaaaaa' as I was busy scoring my winning runs next door with my childhood buddy Jayakamal.

• I want those days back when I used to play G.I.Joe.

• I want those days back when I used to take part in the 'Horse Speed Race'.

• I want those days back when I picked the telephone directory and dialed some random numbers.

• I want those days back when I used to spend my summer vacations in Bombay with my ammaanjees and ammaangaas, playing Scotland Yard, Trade, Pictionary and learning few hindi words along the way.

• I want those days back when I was a BIG BIG BIG cry baby.

• I want those days back when I feared the terror men - Anthony Sami, Prince
School peon and Vasudevan Sir, Prince School Headmaster.

• I want those days back when I regularly used to score poorly in school exams, but still mom and dad said - "Paravailla, adutha vaati nalla pannu".

• I want those days back when dad beat me, once and only once in my entire life, as I did not step out to buy milk.

• I want those days back when I used to do 'Mandi Slogam' with dad, during his sabari malai viradham period.

• I want those days back when I used to wear the fake manikandan mani malai, and go to school, hoping that I can escape the reprimand from the teachers for not having finished my home work.

• I want those days back when I used to play WWF trump card game in school.

• I want those days back when I used to sneak in home after school, to the flowing effervescence of Bhel Puri that mom cooked for me, only for me.

• I want those days back when I used to binge on paruppu saadham and urulai kizhangu chips, day-in and day-out.

• I want those days back when I was caught copying in school exam for the first ever(and only)time but put the blame on another guy, later getting caught in the lie.

• I want those days back when I used to repeatedly hear dad's sermon - "Enakku first rank mukkiyam illa, discipline dhaan mukkiyam".(Folks, trust me. I was not all that bad in behavior. I still don't know why he kept on ranting those sermons)

• I want those days back when for the first ever time I broke into top-3 in class, and for the first ever time I realized I can do good in studies.

• I want those days back when for the first ever time I scored a centum in school math exam, and realized I do have some math skills.

• I want those days back when I used to argue with dad supporting sachin, even though I knew that he played one hell of a horrendous shot to get out.

• I want those days back when I hated talking to girls.

• I want those days back when I felt over the moon for an hour before I realized that I made a stooopid and horrendous silly mistake that cost me a centum in 12th grade math final exam.

• I want those days back when I waited impatiently for the Dial-Up Internet connection to load southindia.com website, where I saw my 12th grade results.

• I want those days back when I floated in seventh heaven for a nano-second, thinking that I had scored 1172/1200 before realizing that the score that I saw was that of my Hindi paper's, in which I got a 172.(Folks, this is a perfect example of scotoma)

• I want those days back when I was dejected seeing my TNPCEE rank of 3875, after having thought that 82.78% in the entrance exam would surely fetch me an admission into Anna University.

• I want those days back when I stepped into college hoping that I can score a chick.

• I want those days back when dad warned me on the first day of college - "No Fathima or No Mary. Iyengar, Iyengar and only Iyengar".(Folks, I studied in a muslim minority college. How in the world could I expect a cute little Iyengar gal there. And the ones that where there....OMG!!! Dont even talk abt it)

• I want those days back when I saw the love of my life for the first time, in MTC bus numbered - PP18.

• I want those days back when I dreaded approaching her.

• I want those days back when I was elated after having got her phone number.

• I want those days back when I used to diligently send SMS, day-in and day-out, surreptitiously.

• I want those days back when I took her for a movie in my splendor for the first time.

• I want those days back when I woke up one fine morning, only to realize that the above 5 events were just a dream.

• I want those days back when I really hoped that one day(in my college life) the above 5 events would become a reality.(Folks, yea I know you are smirking now. It never happened)

• I want those days back when I felt elated to see my first job offer.

• I want those days back when I studied diligently for CAT exam, although I failed it every single time.

• I want those days back when I ...

Yea folks, I want all those days back!!!